Sunday, November 30, 2008

I think I figured it out

I have never been a big "conspiracy nut". However, I am starting to think I am in the midst of a conspiracy. I was at home with Ginny the other day and she asked me what I was doing. Apparently I was just staring off into space. At that point I was thinking of all the things that I wanted to see accomplished at the church. The number was overwhelming but I just saw so much potential and hope.

I thought about those ideas some more and I have done nothing but for the last several days. So where is the conspiracy? Easy.

The conspiracy exists in the paralysis by analysis that happens. I could spend the next 5 years thinking about all the things that I want to see happen and then ensure that none of it gets done. The conspiracy is built around big expectations and the feeling that success is measured in new members or more money into the church. The conspiracy is built around my own feelings of inadequacy.

I am conspiring against myself in other words. I am trying to trust in myself instead of God.
As I sit here on Sunday morning getting ready to worship, I think it is starting to make more sense. It is becoming clearer.

O God, draw me close to you. Amen.


Anonymous said...

It seems to me that you may be on to something with that conspiracy thought - although one which is subconscious and designed to maintain status quo.

Too much focus on membership is an institutional way of assuring we can't find the energy to change much else.

greg. said...

i'm with you on this, brother. i try not to think about the quantifiable measurables very much, but when i do (for one reason or another) i find my own anxiety level rising exponentially, and i feel the same sort of paralysis. and i'm not suggesting that it is the conference or the system's fault, per se. it seems, like you said, to be a conspiracy against myself, or at least a self-sabotaging kind of anxiety. but i try to remember the the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear...